The 'Have To's' and the 'Want To's' | By Steven W. Alloway

There was something that really resonated with me as I was doing The Artist’s Way a few months ago. In fact, there were quite a number of things that resonated with me—it was quite an eye-opening experience all through. But there was one thing in particular, which I think ties in with this month’s theme.

For those not familiar, there are two major tasks that Julia Cameron assigns you when you begin the process, which you are to continue doing throughout the entire 12-week course. There’s Morning Pages every day, and an Artist’s Date every week. And towards the end of the book, she mentions that people tend to have a lot more trouble adhering to the second one than the first—even though Morning Pages are significantly more difficult/demanding, while Artist’s Dates are meant to be fun. I hadn’t thought about it in those terms before she said it, but as far as my own journey went, it was spot on.

Committing to Morning Pages
I’ve talked before about struggling with Morning Pages. In fact, I’ve gone on record numerous times as saying that I absolutely hated them with a fiery passion. Now, doing The Artist’s Way again did help me warm to them a bit. I see their value now, and they’re not the crushing, unbearable burden that they once were. Still, they’re often an uphill battle. They don’t come easily to me, and summoning up the motivation to get them done often takes a tremendous amount of willpower.

Even so, when I was doing The Artist’s Way, I didn’t miss a single day of Morning Pages. I didn’t always do them in the morning. In fact, a few times, I didn’t get to them until right before bed. But I still did them, every day, for 12 weeks, from the first day of Artist’s Way to the last.

Struggling with Artist Dates
On the other hand, Artist Dates were another matter. From the very beginning, I struggled with them. Our group met on Wednesday afternoons, so most Tuesdays, I found myself scrambling to find something that could qualify. I started out with big plans. I wanted to go to museums, to major events, and more. But I never got around to it, and come Tuesday, it was too late to make those plans.

And so my Artist Dates ended up falling into two categories: my friends’ shows, which I would have gone to anyway, and quick trips somewhere close and convenient, on a Tuesday afternoon, just so I could say that I did something.

I had wanted to go to the Central Library in downtown L.A. and look at the architecture, browse the many different sections, see their vast collection of cookbooks, and more. Instead, I went to my much smaller, local library—and even that was only because I was already there to drop something off.

I had wanted to go to the Getty, one of my favorite museums, or LACMA, where I’ve somehow still never been—at least not inside. Instead, I went to Michael’s art supply store and browsed the shelves for an hour or so.

And somehow, the further we got into the course, the harder doing Artist’s Dates became. The last couple of weeks, I couldn’t find it in myself to do anything. The drudgerous slog through Morning Pages I did faithfully, every single day. But Artist’s Dates, the outings of fun and play, I just gave up on. So the question is… Why?

“Have To” vs. “Want To”
I think I’ve talked before about how I handle habits and routines. If there’s something I’m supposed to do every day, chances are it’s not getting done until right before I go to bed. If there’s something I’m supposed to do every week, it’s probably not getting done until the last day, if it gets done at all. Even if it’s something that I like. The resolution to make it a routine suddenly turns it from something I want to do, into something I HAVE to do—which then makes me resent it and want to put it off.

That’s a partial explanation. But there’s more to it. After all, Morning Pages were something I “had to” do, too, and while I did sometimes put them off, they always got done. So why did I allow Artist Dates to fall off? Even if that looming “have to” led to resentment, why didn’t I just power through, like I did with Morning Pages—especially since I knew that, once I did that, it would end up being fun?

Well, that’s the problem. It’s fun. How do I make time for something fun when I’ve got so much else going on? I have places I need to go, things I need to do. I’ve got paid work I need to finish. I’ve got a sink full of dirty dishes, and I need to buy groceries. Am I actually doing any of those things? No, I’m probably procrastinating on them too. But how can I justify taking the time for an Artist Date when there are so many other things waiting to be done? How can I give that the priority over these other tasks that are clearly more important?

Just Desserts
It’s the concept of “Finish your dinner before you get any dessert.” Morning Pages are a vegetable, so they get put on the dinner plate with all of the other tasks and assignments. I don’t necessarily want to do it, but I know it’s good for me.

Artist Dates are dessert. They’re fun, they’re sweet, they’re refreshing… So they get put off to the side. They sit there, looking inviting, but there are still vegetables on the plate. And as long as those vegetables are there, reaching for the dessert seems wrong, even forbidden.

I have the same problem with working on personal projects. There are stories I want to write, plays, films, and a hundred other things. But I also have paid articles to write about real estate or air conditioning. Those are the vegetables. Even if I’m not actively working on them, they need to get done before I can justify starting on the new play that’s staring at me from across the table like a slice of cake.

The problem is, there will always be vegetables. You finish this assignment, and there’s another one to get done. And before you finish that assignment, a third one comes along, which is also more important than the fun project. And a fourth project, and a fifth, and so on. They just keep piling on, the things you have to do first, before you can justify getting to the things you’ll actually enjoy.

Assignment vs. Permission
Even with regard to an Artist Date, which is literally an assignment, it still doesn’t feel like something that should be a priority. So I ended up throwing together quick, last-minute outings that didn’t take much effort or planning, just so I could say I did it, rather than carving out time for the things I really wanted to do.

Not to disparage my trips to the library or to Michael’s, mind you. Both of those ended up being incredible Artist Dates—eventually. For both of them, I started out just going through the motions. “I’ll stay 20 minutes, browse the aisles or the shelves, look at some cool stuff, and then go home.” I didn’t start to get the benefits out of them until I gave myself permission to explore.

That was the key. I had the assignment. But what I needed was permission. Not permission from Julia Cameron, who gave the assignment, or permission from my editors, who were waiting on my paid articles, but permission from myself. I needed permission, not just to do this thing, but permission to commit to the experience: genuinely to enjoy it and get real benefit from it.

Without that permission, those Artists Dates were just another thing I “had to” do, to satisfy a requirement. I went through the motions, just so I could say I did it. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to indulge in my surroundings, really explore them and experience them, rather than just look around perfunctorily, that I was able to have a real Artist Date that really filled my creative well.

That’s also why I had such a hard time figuring out Artist Dates, why I couldn’t carve out time for the museums or the Central Library, why I always put it off until the last minute, and why I eventually let them fall by the wayside. I had a hard time giving myself that permission to do something, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. Permission to eat my dessert, even when there were still vegetables on my plate.

Establishing a Routine
When we think of Creative Discipline, we think of the “have to’s”… Write every day. Play your instrument every day. Do your Morning Pages. But the fun things, the “want to’s,” need to be part of that discipline too. The Artist Dates, the personal projects that have no purpose and no deadline… They’re important. They feed your soul, they stimulate your growth, and they give you the boost you need to keep going.

I challenge you to take a good, hard look this week at your creative routines and practices. Do they include an Artist Date? Do they include time to work on your personal, frivolous, no-deadline projects? Are there any other things that you wish you could be doing, but you just don’t seem to have the time? 

You need to make those things a part of your routine, just like all those other practices that you struggle with. Make it a point this week to carve out the time for those practices, even if you think you don’t have it—especially if you think you don’t have it. Get used to doing these things, to committing to them. Make that commitment this week. Then make it again next week. And the week after. Keep doing it until it becomes natural, as much a part of your routine as any of those other creative practices.

You’ve got the assignment. Now all you need is the permission. I can’t give it to you. Julia Cameron can’t give it to you. Your bosses, mentors, and clients can’t give it to you. You need to give permission to yourself, not just to go through the motions, but really to indulge, to experience. If you can do that and really make it a part of your regular creative routine, it will open up doors you never imagined.